Posted in Writing

Agent Al & Agent Ien: Silent, but Deadly

FBI Nevada headquarters.
Alien abduction interview with Melonie Smith

“Is this really necessary? I mean, I’m back unharmed and the alien who abducted me is long gone.”

“It’s routine for all unauthorized alien abductions since the legalization of alien activity within our solar system ma’am.” Agent Al explained.

Melonie’s eyebrows rose, “Unauthorized?” She looked back and forth between the two agents, “I didn’t know there was such a thing as an ‘authorized’ alien abduction.”

It was Agent Ien who responded this time, “Have you ever heard of role playing?”

“Yes, of course, who hasn’t?”

The agents stared at Melonie for several moments in silence, not wanting to go into detail.

A thought crossed Melonie’s mind, “Oh.” Her eyes got big as the full meaning hit her, “OH! You mean people…and the aliens just…” A pause, then, “Kinky bastards aren’t they?”

Agent Ien nodded his head once, “Yes ma’am that pretty much sums it up. Now, if you would be so kind as to start at the beginning and tell us how it is you got the alien who abducted you to not only release you, but return you to Earth, we would appreciate it.”

“Well, sure, I guess. If it’s really that big of a deal.” Melonie said.

Agent Al’s smile was small as he nudged the blonde woman into starting, “So, you were on your way to class?”

“Yes.” Melonie nodded and continued, “I was on my way to class when…”

5 minutes later:

“…You’re telling us that you got a Sensitivenose alien, one of the most cunning and brutal alien races, to let you go and return you, by being annoying?” Agent Al’s voice was disbelieving.

“Yep. Pretty much.” Melonie shrugged. She had told them the story wasn’t that interesting.

Agent Ien looked down at his notes. “Just to be clear. You were first beamed up to the ship and you say that the ship only had one area to it where there was a control panel, sleeping and food area and what looked to you to be an exam table, correct?”

Melonie nodded and confirmed, “That is correct.”

“Alright. Your captor didn’t do or say anything to you for several hours and refused to answer or even acknowledge your questions and presence, correct?”

“Correct again Agent.”

“Okay, according to your statement, you say that you got quite annoyed by the silent treatment as your last boyfriend would do that when there was something wrong, but wouldn’t tell you what it was. So, you decided to sing in an attempt to get your captors attention and some answers. Again, is this all true?” Agent Ien looked up from his notes to watch the woman’s face.

“Yes sir. Since he didn’t want to talk to me I figured I would use the same trick I used on my ex-boyfriend to get a response.”

“And that was to sing ‘This is the song that never ends’? Over, and over, and over, and over, again?”

“And over, and over again. I made sure to change my voice and the style of my singing so it wasn’t boring.”

Agent Al interrupted with a question of his own. It wasn’t relevant for their investigation, but he wasn’t sure he had heard her right the first time, “How did you keep the song from becoming boring again?”

“Easy.” Melonie shrugged again, “I made my voice higher or lower at different points of the song, I sang in a Bluesy way, a Jazzy way, a dubstep way. You get the picture.”

“And you got the response you wanted?” It was back to Agent Ien.

“Not exactly the one I wanted, but I did get a response. He started yelling at me.”

“Just to be clear, you do not speak Sensitivenoses?” Agent Ien asked.

“Nope. To be honest, I barely speak Spanish, but then, you don’t need to know what someone is saying to mimic them” Melonie’s smile was bright as she continued. “All I did was repeat the sounds and noises the best I could back at him and voila!”

“Let me make sure I have the order of events right. First, you sang one, if not the, most annoying songs in the world for a couple of hours straight, correct?”


“Second, when you had his attention you mimicked him even though you didn’t understand what he was saying. Right?”


“If I may ask, would you please confirm for us what you initially stated was the, and I quote, ‘piece de resistance’, of your efforts to convince your captor to return you to Earth?”

“Sure. I simply let loose a silent, but deadly.” Melonie looked between the agents again as she noticed that they had strange looks on their faces. “You know, I let a stinky one out.”

The pause this time was much longer than the first. Finally, Agent Al cleared his throat, stuck his hand out for Melonie to shake and said, “I think that about does it ma’am. Thank you so much for your cooperation during this investigation.” He showed her to the door and waved when she turned around before getting into her car and driving away.

He rejoined Agent Ien in the interview room, closed the door and sat down across from his partner.

His partner was the one to ask the question that was weighing on both their minds. “What the hell are we supposed to put in the report?”

“…I have no idea, but it better be good or we’ll be looking at another psych evaluation Ien.”

Agent Ien groaned at the thought and rubbed his face with both hands, “Why do we always get the difficult ones?! My mother was right, I should have been a librarian.”

Agent Al nodded in sympathy and understanding, “I think we both should have been librarians Ien. At times like this I really believe that would have been the best career choice we could ever make.”

Unauthorized Alien Abduction Report
Filed by Agent Al and Agent Ien

According to Mrs. Melonie Smith, she was abducted on her way to class June 8th. She identified her alien captor as being from the Sensitivenose race and through a description of the inside of the ship we were able to ascertain that it was a B-Class slave cargo ship.

It is well known that no one ever escapes once aboard these ships, until Mrs. Smith. Her statement of how she procured her release is as follows.

After questioning and observing for several hours, Mrs. Smith ascertained that her captor was not willing to converse with her in a civilized manner. Mrs. Smith understood her captor’s attitude to be a hostile one and proceeded to act with what she thought was an appropriate amount of self-defense.

1st, she subjected her captor to a continuous and cacophonous barrage of very specific words in multiple tunes that were meant to disorient her captor and cause it to become mentally drained by the sheer fortitude she showed in the verbal onslaught.

2nd, once she had her captors attention, after a couple hours of the initial onslaught, she proceeded to confound her captor by verbally requesting clarification of what it was saying to her. Unfortunately, Mrs. Smith does not know Sensitivenosese and so had to rely on her ability to mimic her captor’s words so that her captor could clear up any confusion.

3rd, in the end Mrs. Smith, having exhausted all other avenues of securing her release, decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. With this in mind, Mrs. Smith coordinated an attack on her captor that proved to be most effective in gaining her release. Mrs. Smith created a noxious fume of near deadly chemicals and released it quietly so her captor would not hear and be able to take counter measures.

It was this last attempt that made it possible for Mrs. Smith to be returned to Earth as her captor could not withstand the overpowering olfactory assault she had orchestrated.

In summary, it is our belief that Mrs. Smith did what she could with what she had and was able to do what others could not, which was to secure her own safe release and return to home without the aid of trained government negotiators.

It is our recommendation that Mrs. Smith be retained as a free agent should any issues concerning the Sensitivenose alien race ever arise again in the future.

End of report.


©2016, Illeana Nexry.

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